So it goes...

If a picture is worth a thousand words, then I have around 13,000,000 words on my computer.

2012-01-29T10:06:00.000-08:00

West Virginia, last July.

I went through a bunch of thoughts on ways to change this blog, but decided in the end that the best thing I can do is to actually blog, and read other peoples blog. So no fancy updates right now. Although I'm going to commit to using more of my own pictures, instead of using pictures other people have taken. There are two reasons for this, number one is that I feel like I'm stealing, and number two is that I love blogs with pictures from people's actual lives.

Speaking of pictures, there are some very specific categories in the 1,000 plus photographs I've taken on my cell phone.

Outfit pictures. Still not sure why exactly, since I'm not one of those fashionable sort of girls. I pretty much just wear whatever makes me happy on any given day. Yet, I have quite the collection of these type of "Here, this is what I'm wearing today" pictures.

Food. Perhaps I have a little bit of an unhealthy obsession with salads in particular.

It's not that I'm the sort of person who tweets their food. It's more of this personal diary of all the pretty looking food I eat. Never claimed to be normal.

Drinks too, I guess. *sigh* This is a little sad.

Art. Mostly sketches I don't have time to scan into my computer.

Old pictures that I've taken pictures of.

Pictures with people. Lots of them. More than I could possibly post. Here is two of them.

Photographs that show what I'm up to in a moment of time.

So, there, you've had a glimpse of my life. It's so much easier documenting everything with pictures. I'd be really interested if any of you want to write a similar post, link it in the comments and I'll edit it into this post.

Happy Sunday Afternoon.

Truth

2011-12-26T16:56:00.000-08:00

"The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but
shorter tempers, wider Freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more,
but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and
smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees
but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more
problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little,
drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too
little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom. We have multiplied our
possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and
hate too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to
life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but
have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer
space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom,
but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but
accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more
computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we
communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small
character, steep profits and shallow relationships.

These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but
broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway
morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything
from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the
showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can
bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share
this insight, or to just hit delete...

Remember, to spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not
going to be around forever. Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks
up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave
your side.

Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the
only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.

Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but most
of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from
deep inside of you.

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person might
not be there again. Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to
share the precious thoughts in your mind." — Bob Mooreshead

Believe in me, because I don't believe in anything.

2011-12-15T10:33:00.000-08:00

Photo credit goes to my brilliant nine year old sister Nica.

"Don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you got till it's gone"

The Counting Crows have been there for me for a long while.

I remember being at my Aunt's wedding, ten years old, junior bridesmaid in a silk gown, belting "Big Yellow Taxi" out with all my might. It was a ridiculous song to sing at a wedding, one so completely out of context that I found it oddly suitable. Of course, I knew very few accurate lyrics, so I improvised where needed.

Ironically enough, the same song played overhead while I sat across from a gorgeous guy of eighteen, with eyes the color of water on a tropical vacation flyer, and a smile that could melt gold. He, whom had pursued me with a comfortable amount of attention. He whom I had firmly ignored, not allowed a place in my head, let alone my heart. This particular moment, he was telling me about his new girlfriend. I nodded enthusiastically, giving the appropriate "She's lucky". Then I noticed the music and I closed my eyes and whispered "I love Counting Crows". He looked up from studying the table and I said a quick something to the effect of never mind.

"Take a holiday in Spain. Drink my worries down the drain, fly away to somewhere new"

The song "Holiday in Spain" reminds me of vacations with my Dad. Maybe it has to do with their best album being named "August and Everything After" but the Crows have always reminded me of Autumn, and with autumn, consequently camping trips. Bumping along the highway sitting in the van next to my Dad while he played songs my mother would have considered inappropriate. Apples, bonfires, chilly air, flame colored leaves. And the Counting Crows. I suppose this song is an odd one to have remind you of a dad, the drinking and suggestiveness of it would imply so. But maybe it has to do with that time when I got sick from overdosing on sugar and my Dad left his friends and card table to come lie under the stars talking with me and my younger brother. I only half minded the Tequila breath. My Dad has the ability to make anything better. Even though I am past the phase where he is flawless, I still firmly insist he has the power to right a great amount of wrong.

"The smell of hospitals in winter and the feeling that it's all a lot of oysters but no pearls"

There are those months and years that go on and on and you find yourself searching for meaning in life's madness, grasping at what little hope you can find in those long and gray days. A Long December is about that feeling. Tired, worn down and stretched out. But hopeful of a brighter year coming. Decembers are always like that, at least for me. They give you a chance to review the year, and set goals for the next. The holidays can be either intensely lonely or incredibly exhausting. Sitting on public places during the holidays, slowly drinking coffee and watching people run around in their costs, with agendas, walking home from the train with briefcases, teenagers with dark circles under their eyes due to staying up all night cramming for finals. The hopeful looks on the faces of children. It's not such a bad month.

"Every night these silhouettes appear above my head. Little angels of the silences climb into my bed"

There's a funny feeling as the clock strikes midnight and you find yourself awake. Some times tears find you when you least expect it. The moon shines down into my bedroom from the picture window, and my breath is ragged with emotions that will never find their way out of the maze inside of my head. Why does it seem like everything you ever worried about hits you when your house it quiet and you have nothing but the clicking of the ceiling fan's gentle clicking to remind you that you can actually hear. The faces of people I have loved and lost are a carousel in my imagination. I wiggle my toes,cans see the garish Christmas lights outside the window. Here it is, December fourteenth, for a few more minutes at least, and we haven't had an inch of snow in Chicago. Oh great, here, I'll be up another hour at least contemplating global warming and green house gases. I am an insufferable insomniac. Have been for years. Used to sit in a chair and count how many times the streetlights flickered. That's the funny thing though, this near the city it's never really dark outside. The sky has this orangish cast from all the city lights that are still glowing. This isn't the way to stay awake all night. I much prefer walking down to the lake, or a river at least, listening to street musicians, and seeing my breath in the chilly December night air. I like dancing along brick paths, and watching the water reflect things. But that isn't an option on most nights. Instead I'm locked here in my bedroom with the ghosts of yesterday. Staring at the ceiling, with all these voices tumbling around in my head. Ask my best friend, I never make sense at night.

Angels of The Silences is a ballad for all those nights I've been up, not certain what I'm doing, but definitely not sleeping.

What do you think, should I write more music memory essays?

Guess this is growing up

2011-12-10T21:19:00.001-08:00

Work, this morning. Up at six, with far too little caffeine. The sun rising, all reds, oranges and blue, through the trees, sprinkled with a lousy covering of snow, barely an inch to be generous. Either I magically became a wimp over the summer, or it was cold outside. Difficult to tell sometimes, you know? The drive was quiet, and beautiful too. Can't explain why I didn't turn up music. Sometimes it's nice to allow yourself a moment of peace. Seems like lately all that's been coming into my brain is more and more information with less and less time to fully process it. I'm like a child, in a way. Waking up on Monday, sure of my future status in the New York City ballet, then deciding before lunch that an English teacher at Yale would be preferable. Suppose it would be only fair to be honest. I don't know where I am going. Barely figured out who I am, for that matter, and they want answers already.

That is not the entire truth, come to think of it. I know where I want to go. I want to move far away from these subdivisions, and strip malls. Somewhere that I do not know roads naturally, some place I could rediscover for myself. The realist inside my head whispers that all places are essentially the same, and while I know that has some truth, it still leads me to pursue this train of thought with a passion.

They built a water tower near the office. Tried to make it look like an old Lighthouse. It's the most pitiful thing you could ever see, really. Chicago is land locked, you know? And though you can see the Willis/Sears tower from there, and the lake isn't all that faraway, it's about as nautical as the Sahara.

There are younger teenagers at work, in the hallways, awkwardly shuffling to their appointments, their parents sitting in the waiting room, with their copies of People Magazine or Golfer's Digest, or whatever sort of inferior reading material lies around on the table out there. If it were me, I would fill all of those sorts of waiting places with books about a million different topics, something would be bound to fascinating to someone.

Wonder how they would see me. Just a short girl, with ordinary brown eyes and ordinary brown hair, dark circles under her eyes, too pale skin, and a small smile, bending over file cabinets in a much too large sweater, my fingers cold and blue in the florescent lighting.
Doubt they would care.

The funniest thing happened though, I was getting some papers from the manager's office, and I had the huge box halfway into the hall. Some teenagers passed, maybe a year or two younger than me, off to the consultation room. And something shocked me of out the blue.
I'm no longer one of them really. There was a sensation that I had crossed a barrier of no return. In a state of panic, I attempted to recall the last time I engaged in a teenagerly conversation or act. Even with my friends, we act so old, our conversations are nothing like those that I overhear.

It is true, I have never been the epitome of normalcy for the fact, either. So it's hard to say for certain whether or not I can judge my growing up based on those around me.

But I looked at a Christmas card from Freshman year. A friend, my Dad, and I were compared it with our card from this year. And I looked at that dorky girl, with that ridiculous look on her face (I'd like to believe it was just an awkward phase and I'm more attractive than that now, but it might be wishful thinking), and think to myself:
"Who the hell is she?"

Myself, now, today, and the girl in that photo have entirely different views. We want different things. Have different relationships. Care about opposite things.
Our whole basis of what life means is so polar, that it's hard to see where the shifting happened.

Some things are definitely for the better. Others are debatably worse. I'm a lot less shocked by things then I was then, but in turn I'm also a lot less phased by things.

(Side note, I'm a much better writer than her, don't you dare go into the blog archives to the dark ages)

And worst of all, there have been people, things and dreams I've had to toss to the wind.
Life is just a revolving door, bringing people and adventure in and out of your particular window of life at an alarmingly fast rate. You need to learn to love without being shattered when you lose. You need to cherish every single moment you're given.

So I'm going to be in the now. Because I want twenty-five year old me to be able to look back and say "Hey, I was on the right track" when she thinks about me.

Just some very long winded thoughts.

2011-11-18T20:49:00.001-08:00

Here are some current obsessions of mine.

They are mostly random things that I've found myself

falling in love with.

November. I'm sorry, but I have such an unrequited love for this month. Everything about it is mostly wonderful The last few weeks to skate before snow comes, my favorite chill holiday, school finds it's rhythm. Yeah.

Black Nylons. Holy heck, so fun to wear with pretty much anything. Rip 'em up, and it's classic rocker, or wear them in tact, and they're just this classy touch. Pairing them with goth victorian boots is the best.

Coconut anything, especially milk. Admittedly, when my Mom started introducing it, I was hesitant. I believe last weekend I had coconut milk egg nog, coconut milk yogurt, and coconut milk itself as well. Crazy, but the stuff is great, with half the calories of regular whole milk.

Anything that's the color plum. From flowers, to sweaters, to paintings, this is my new favorite color.

Oscar Wilde quotes. He was a bloody genius, and pretty much everything he ever wrote nspires me. You can read some quotes by clicking here, but this one is a favorite:

"I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a word of what I am saying"

Story of my life.

Bass guitar, which always has inspired me, but especially of late. I'm bribing myself to get a new one if I can get X amount of projects done by the end of the month, including finishing my NaNoWriMo novel.

Umphrey's McGee, Phish, Grateful Dead, and other jam bands. They are the perfect thing for this time of year. I know I'll look back at this month and remember it based on what I was listening to at the time, like last December I was on a Killers kick. The song Rocker, by Umphrey's is especially wonderful, because I love the guitar riffs. And also, Fleet Foxes are amazing, and I'm learning to play their song Battery Kinzie. Oh, and Pink Floyd's "Wish You Were Here" is stuck in my head.

So, what are some of your obsessions of late?

Me? A music journalist? Ahahaha... right.

2011-11-10T14:40:00.001-08:00

SO you may be wondering where I've been. In fact, I can see all of you, with scowls on your faces, shaking your fingers in stern admonition.

But I have a good excuse! Really, I do.

Other than writing 18,500 words in the past 10 days, and school, and co-writing songs with my best friend, I've also started a music blogging stint.

If I may be so pretentious as to suppose I am missed, I highly recommend reading my latest music journalism endeavors, by clicking this link here.

Hope all is well with all your lives, precious people.

WANTED: NaNoWriMo Trenchmate/writer buddy/literary BFF

2011-10-17T11:04:00.000-07:00

It's that time of year again, when the leaves have almost all fallen, hot drinks are mandatory, and school has just sort of gotten into a rhythm (hopefully).

Oh, and thousands of people around the world are getting ready to attempt writing 50,000 words in 30 days.

If you're interested, more information can be found at:
at the National Novel Writing Month homepage.

So, who is with me? Positions are open for writing buddies and/or people who will incessantly nag me until my book is completed.

Leave me a comment or message if you're planning on entering this year :)

August and Everything After

2011-10-12T15:08:00.000-07:00

Autumn. The word itself speaks enough for the entire season's glory.
Enjoying every little last bit of Indian Summer that there is.
(Is Indian Summer still politically correct? I don't even know anymore).

Hello beautiful. Yes, I've been gone.

See, while I was away I worked on taking over a small alien planet know as Whatchamacallit, where people have spaghetti for hair, skin the shade of cheetos, speak entirely in slang, and walk around in a daze, using flashing lights as means of communication. Thus is my life.

In all honesty, my life has been insane. I actually cried a few weeks ago, no joke.
That was an altogether strange experience, one that I wouldn't like to repeat any time soon.

What do you say to me trying again?

"Believe in me, help me believe in anything, I want to be someone who believes"

The Counting Crows are my new favorite band. Period. Exclamation point.

Also, who saw Captain America? Didn't it rock? Way better than Thor.

In other news, IOS 5 came out today, a week after the Genius of a man passed on.
A moment of silence as we all download that.

I miss y'all!!!! And everyone knows, I'm stingy with my exclamation points.

Did you know that carnivorous plants don't actually eat insects?

Toodles,
Jillian

2011-07-23T08:21:00.000-07:00

"....check my vital signs and know I'm still alive...."

_Boulevard of Broken Dreams

Sam: Your world must be shattered, huh?
Me: Nah, I just listen to Green Day and cry a lot.

And I still have his drumset in my basement, like the time I carried around that heart shaped scrape of red paper with his erratic handwriting scrawled on it for weeks in my pocket till I finally let it go. My head whispers fool.

Almost got hit by a car yesterday. That was fun. They say your life flashes before you, but all I could do was think "Dang it's going to hit me" until stopped inches away.

I'm worn thin and running on empty, but I think those are all good signs for my blogging career *sigh*

Forever is never enough.

Maybe I'll become one of those scene kids, dye my hair black and write dark poetry and never let people see more than one eye at a time.
Okay, THAT is laughable.

"....for what it's worth it was worth all the while..."

_Good Riddance

I have an unrequited love for cheap frosting and drugstore shampoo.

Maybe for context I should say that I grew up in a hippie, all organic type household.

There was no place for electric blue frosting or Pert in my life.

Wouldn't it be cool if someone made bandaids for your soul?

2011-06-28T11:26:00.000-07:00

"Carrots help you see much better in the dark. Don't talk to [boys] they'll break your heart"

The Wombats

Dear Girl randomly sitting outside my window talking loudly on the phone,

This is private property. Who the heck even are you?

Brain Stew

2011-06-05T11:03:00.000-07:00

Words. Ideas. Pushing into my brain.
I can't handle all the voices and opinions whirling across the table around me.
I want to scream, or at the very least block my ears and shut the static out.
There comes a point when information is too much.
I need time to absorb it all. Words. Memories.

Jillian, I love you.
Jillian, you're stupid.
Jillian, I miss you.
Jillian, we haven't talked in a year.
Jillian, you've changed.
Jillian, you keep too much pain inside.
Jillian, where are you?
Jillian, how could you have left me without saying goodbye?
Jillian, what are you hiding from?

I can't take it anymore.

I need to walk away.

Push my chair out from the table.

Slip around the corner.

Why do you love me?
I know how stupid I am.
You have no idea how much I miss you.
But when we talk we never say anything.
We all change, look at you.
It's better than exploding.
I don't know where I am or where I'm going.
You have no idea how much walking away killed me.
Myself.

2011-06-02T20:19:00.000-07:00

Today while sitting in a convention, legs crossed (my Mom gets annoyed at me, but I have to sit in a mangled position or I can't have peace), head cocked, I was reminded of a time when I was very young.
We had this picture book, burgundy cloth and golden script adorning the cover.
The illustrations were lush, with gorgeous colors. There was a catch though.
No words. Every single time the story was different. It depended greatly on whether it was my Dad or my Mom telling the story. But even then, neither of them repeated the same tale twice.
I think life is like that story book.
So many people living in similar environments, but living different lives, different stories.
Seeing the same moments with different eyes.

My best friend has been having me listen to country music. I don't mind it, surprisingly.
It's nice to open my very close-minded music taste.
Yes, I could be identified as a music snob.
But the thing is, Emma is a small town girl, and I was born and raised in and around the city, so I don't think I'll ever really know how to relate to half of the songs.

In many ways though, country music supports a rather false view of love.

It's not like that, really.

I was dumb, and stayed up till 3AM last night.
I'm about to collapse right now, despite being heavily caffeinated most of today.
My friend Rianka asked what I was doing up so late, and I really have no idea, except I'm positive I wasn't sleeping.

Goodnight world :)

Thunder Road

2011-05-29T08:57:00.000-07:00

"You're scared and you're thinkin' maybe we ain't so young anymore

Show a little faith, there's magic in the night

Ain't a beauty, but hey you're alright"

_Bruce Springsteen

I love that feeling of sitting around singing Nirvana songs while someone plays a guitar.

I am making a comeback.

The shadows fall around him.

Clothing emotions in burlap.

Time never repeats, but history does far too often.

They throw stones for love.

And make war with the ones that know them best.

My skateboard, taken in the beginning of May

After working myself really hard, I'm taking a break from school.

True, I'm going to a big convention, which could be considered school.

But I'm taking a week away from the stress.

I'm not doing Summer break, I rarely do, I just need a chance to slow things down for a minute.

Taken on the way to a Blackhawks game

We all complain about being so busy, running from one thing to the next.

But secretly, I think we're afraid of the moment when there isn't one more thing to do.

Because what will we live for then?

We need to find something bigger than ourselves.

Pitching

Rediscovering things that I love. These are the things that set us apart from everyone else.

The color plum. Music, rock, grunge, alternative, acoustic, Brit punk. Coffee shops. Skateboarding. Pure laughter. Large books. Science. Playing catch. Thunderstorms. Road trips. Painting. Taking pictures.

What do you love?

2011-04-19T21:59:00.000-07:00

Every morning I wake up and hope that we'll be

Because the thought of losing you is terrifying.

17th Birthday

2011-04-14T05:50:00.000-07:00

.....seventeen years have gone so fast...

So, another birthday rolls around. Here are seventeen things:

Things that I'm grateful for:

1. My family, who have always been there through everything.

2. My friends. From my new LV friends, to my best friend Emma, to Paige, who I've known since I was a baby, to bloggers, and everyone in between. You are all loved and appreciated.

3. Life in general. Seriously, every day I wake up is a gift from God.

4. That EJ is better after being sick for a month.

5. That I now have some direction in my life.

Five exciting things that happened this year:

6. I fell in love with theater, music and art all over again

7. I figured out where I'm going to college

8. I became a better skater.

9. I'm getting my braces off after three years

10. I realized I can never please everybody, and I'm okay with that now.

Things I've learnt:

11. Everyone is a paper tiger

12. Monsters don't sleep under your bed. They sleep in your head.

13. There are so many kinds of beautiful

14. Sticks and stones will break my bones

but words will only cause permanent psychological damage.

15. How horrible it is to love something death can touch

16. Chemistry is nothing to be laughed at

17. Happiness depends upon yourself

And right in this moment I think that it's perfectly safe to say that I am quite happy.

2011-04-02T09:08:00.000-07:00

Life Quotes:

(Yesterday)

Me: Hey, guess what? Tomorrow is Thursday.................... April Fools
Z: I am SO glad I know Rebecca Black's song, or you would have totally fooled me

My finished watercolor painting

If you see things that no one else can see, you are either an artist or hallucinating.

"I'm doing fine.
And when I'm not, then I just play guitar and everything seems awesome again"
_My friend Joe

2011-04-01T04:38:00.000-07:00

Found this paragraph in my AP biology textbook, and it made me laugh.
This is why I love science.

"For example, male and females Photinus fireflies find each other and mate when when females give a characteristic pattern of light flashes in response to flashes given by males. However, females of another firefly genus, Photurus, respond to these male Photinus flashes with the same flashing pattern. A male Photinus receives the incorrect message that a female Photurus is a suitable mate, and when he finds her she does not mate with him, but kills and eats him instead"

_Campbell Biology

Mirror

2011-03-28T10:22:00.000-07:00

"I am silver and exact. I have no preconceptions.

Whatever I see I swallow immediately

Just as it is, unmisted by love or dislike.

I am not cruel, only truthful-

The eye of a little god, four cornered.

Most of the time I meditate on the opposite wall.

It is pink, with speckles. I have looked at it so long

I think it is part of my heart. But it flickers.

Faces and darkness separate us over and over.

Now I am a lake. A woman bends over me,

Searching my reaches for what she really is.

Then she turns to those liars, the candles or the moon.

I see her back, and reflect it faithfully.

She regards me with tears an agitation of hands.

I am important to her. She comes and goes.

Each morning it is her face that replaces the darkness.

In me she has drowned a young girl, and in me an

old woman

Rises toward her day after day, like a terrible fish."

_Sylvia Plath

2011-03-27T09:35:00.000-07:00

I want to scream and yell and pull my hair.
I want to throw things and smash glass.
I want to cry till my head reverberates.
I cannot believe I'm still not over you.

Sunday afternoon.
Sunshine.
Sitting under our favorite tree.
Writing an English paper.
Listening to the songs you wrote.

2011-03-17T13:56:00.000-07:00

I saw the rain fall down today
The sky the color of ash
Her ocean eyes the background to her smile

(These are the kinds of words that make people insist I am full of it. I don't blame them)

I've been bad.
Rebel. Outcast. Insane. Ran through the red lights.
Tried to escape myself.

As a result, I have spent a good amount of time in solitary confinement.
Which is why I know how to live inside my head.

My best friend has mentioned how that made her jealous (Hey, Emma) but she has no clue (Sorry) what it took to get to that point.

I would stare at walls, and think up alternate realities to my own current one.
That was the only way to survive, really.
Made me be able to laugh and mock when they sent me away, knowing that inside my head I would find some sort of adventure that no human being could ever steal from me.

And I found a world that was all my own.

So I never get bored, till this day, even after I've cleaned up my act.
I can sit in a chair for a long time without needing "entertainment".

That's just me.

2011-02-09T21:18:00.000-08:00

I've always felt so vincible.

Reading The Perks of Being a Wallflower and wondering why I waited so long.

"So this is my life.

And I want you to know that I am

both happy and sad

and still trying to figure out how that can be"

It's been a rather roller coaster week for me, filled with bit back tears, Mona Lisa smiles, heart wrenching anxiety, combating by moments of intense peace.

First of all, there is more snow than I have ever seen on the ground.

I saw a wicked storm sweep through Chicago, and I was blessed that I had my whole family under one roof.

Then I was rudely awaken by a phone call that no one ever wants.

Apparently my Grandfather thought my Grandmother had a stroke, and he was having difficulties getting an ambulance, with the snow.
It all turned out okay in the end, although it was a terrifying few hours.

After all of this, I was stabbed repeatedly by my best friend who insisted that injuring someone with safety scissors was impossible.

So she claims.

Although her 14 year old sister argues that scissors are scissors no matter how small.

I'm siding with Tess on that one, sorry Emma.
(Thankfully, we were on Skype)

My first advanced art class started last Friday.

I had a fun time.

My friend Paige is amazing.

She finds all of this amazing music & media that I would never find by myself.

I've known her since I was 6 months old, and I have to pinch myself when I realize she's going to NYU next year :(

But, anyways, thanks to her, I am now fully aware of

The Ukelele Orchestra Of Great Britain. Now would be an appropriate time to state that I wish I were British, except I am, so I'll just regret the fact I'm not in England at the moment.

Anyhow, let your mind be blown:

Well, I'm trying to get back into blogging.
We shall see how this works.

Later,
Jillian

2011-02-01T14:15:00.000-08:00

February.
The cold in my bones reflects that of my heart.
The paralyzing timidity that incloses around me.
The feel of being seen by people as something insignificant.
I don't want to appear translucent.
I was to wear my scars on my arms with pride.
Not the pride of someone who appears to have things together.
But the pride of one, whom, after all is yet stripped away, has the courage to look up, smile and say quietly: "I survived".

And I write this with my eyes closed. Chicago, a snow globe around me.
The cold seeping into my feet from the draft.

Oh February, with your worn out people, tired from your cruel winter.
Riding trains to get back home. Trudging through endless amounts of snow.
And we laugh at the importance of our unimportant lives.
A bitter laugh, like the wind.

2011-01-19T06:29:00.000-08:00

"And I tried to write in style

But the words just come and

I write them as soon as I see them"

_Manchester Orchestra

2011-01-17T06:32:00.000-08:00

"I live in a world of fantasy, so keep your reality away from me.

I see what I want, I want what I see.

And that is all okay by me"

_Itzah C. Kret

She thinks that when he looks at her, he sees what's inside.

And that idea scares her to death.

He sees the craziness in her head.

She sits across from him, and she stares at the ceiling,

because to look him in the eyes would be disastrous.

So he looks up at the ceiling, with eyes made out of the sky, then glances back at her face.

And he understands. She is there in my body, but her head is elsewhere.

Floating above the industrial ceiling, with all of it's pipes and wires painted in monochromatic colors.

She remembers the day when he looked at her, shook his head and said:

"Sometimes I think to myself 'What is she thinking?'".

And she bit her lip to hide a smile, and he shut the door behind her, following the girl inside.

She is not exactly sure why he bothers to try and figure her out.

It is somewhat charming in a way.

This… this whole thing will never become anything.

He is the kind of guy who will find an amazing, awesome, funny girl who will love him,

and be there, in a steady way.

Not some girl like her, who wears black and plum, tripping over her feet, lost in her own head, writing things down in composition notebooks, whispering Smashing Pumpkins songs under her breath in time with the overhead stereo, going out of her way to be alone.

Especially not some girl who didn't notice his existence so lost in her world was she.

But it's not a sad world, all the time. It's quiet, full of scientific terms, rock music riffs, lines from books, glossy magazines, sandpaper grip tape, colorful photographs and dark poetry.

And although he's curious about the world in which she lives, she knows that it's only a mild curiosity.

A kind of curiosity that makes him want to peek into the room, but not step into it.

So she doesn't offer him the key.

Open Our Eyes

2011-01-12T21:16:00.000-08:00

"Nobody kills them self because they want to die.

They kill them self because they can't take the pain"

_How to Kill a Rockstar, Tiffanie Debartolo

Depression is an all to familiar hell to me. The world loses it's color, smiling seems foreign.

I've been there.

In fact, when I was asked to write this post by Megan; a girl I went to church with most of my life, I kind of laughed to myself. I feel like I am the last person in the world to talk.

I have my own battle scars, and there are nights when I don't think I'll ever see the sun.

4 in 5 teens that commit suicide show clear warning signs.

That breaks my heart.

I want to be the shoulder to cry on, to help people who are down.

That's not to say I don't have my own problems, but that I know that with a little help, and some good friends, that we can over come them.

I'm here to tell you about a really cool and new organization.

Open Our Eyes is a organization that helps raise suicide prevention awareness.

They are basically a call to arms to look out for one another.

A community of people that want to love the hurting.

You can check them out over at www.knowhowtosavealife.com

I believe that they are also looking for some new interns, so if you have a heart for that, you can send an email to evie@knowhowtosavealife.com

Finally! If you just need someone to vent to, and give her best shot at advice, I am always here for you guys.

Email me at junction414@gmail.com

_Jillian

2011-01-10T12:10:00.001-08:00

When I was younger, I went to a school to take an entrance exam.

Walked down dark halls, that seemed to hold secrets, with awards displayed proudly on dark green walls. Linoleum floors, that made every step reverberate around the room.

I sat at a big, imposing wooden desk, in a sticky leather chair that felt like it was going to just swallow me up.

I wondered what that would be like. To be swallowed up whole, disappear.

For the world to just slip from around me.

A lady with curly hair and silver rimmed glasses asked me question after question.

I suppose, looking back on that day she was trying to figure out whether or not I was smart enough, although to my six year old eyes, the questions bordered on ridiculous.

She asked me, I remember so very clearly, to describe a picture on the wall.

My brown eyes scrunched up.

I small boy sat on a wooden stool, staring off at something beyond the view of the picture.

I told the lady that he was seeing something different from what the rest of the world saw. Something that may have been good, but it may have also been horrible.

That boy was us, he saw the things that went on beneath the surface of life, the things that aren't always said, but rather implied.

The lady bit her pale pink, chapped lips and sat back in her chair, staring at me for a long while before speaking.

Suddenly, I hated her. I hated this whole school.

People thought they were so smart, from the books that lined the walls, to the degrees in fancy gothic type.

They didn't understand anything though. Couldn't see what I saw.

The life outside of these doors, or those books, was alien to them.

They couldn't imagine dancing in the pouring rain, hoping your neighbor, a young, funny although occasionally cruel boy wouldn't be able to see through your almost translucent shirt.

They never mourned over a dead bug, or saw the sunrise though steamy windows.

The idea of finger painting repulsed them. The thoughts behind such dirty things seemed senseless.

And I slid the chair back, and walked through that door.

Out in the waiting room, my Dad looked up sharply, his green eyes questioningly searching my face.

I never knew what he saw there, but we marched out of that building, hand in hand.

Out into the sunshine. Where there were birds.

And as we drove away from that dark, tree encircled building, I felt a wave of relief.

I saw.

2011-01-07T10:31:00.000-08:00

Sara sent me these two pictures, revolving around the paper tiger theme.

Oh my gosh, I love them so much.

She has really been an amazing encouragement.

She writes over at:

Penned in Orange

2011-01-07T10:18:00.000-08:00

.....and all i ever wanted was to play the bass guitar in peace

2010-12-18T20:42:00.000-08:00

*runs in through the back door, throws her bag onto a side table, pulls her hair out of a ponytail, drops into the chair across from you, and gives a small apologetic Mona Lisa smile*

Hey. I'm sorry I've been gone for so long.

Life has a funny way of taking up all of your time.

I guess the elephant in the kitchen would be Christmas, which is quickly approaching.

Oh Christmas.

We have been receiving Christmas cards from many people lately.
And one curious trend is that people write everything that has happened in the last year inside little innocent looking sheets of paper. Seriously. Everything. Exclamation point.
One nice and long one even included the heights and weights of individual family members.
*awkward pause, cocks head to the side, tries to figure out why people think she'd give a....a.....a.....care?*

This long paragraph has a point to it. I don't want my blog to be like that.

So, I honestly want to know how you are. Because it's not about me.
My gosh, it's not about me. Plus, I already know ALL there possibly is to know about me.

Fill out the answers any or all of the following questions in my comments, okay?

1. What are you doing for Christmas/Hanukah/Kwanza?
2. Any quirky holiday traditions?
3. Funny story?
4. Anything that you really really want?
5. If you could have one impossible thing for Christmas, what would it be?
6. Favorite ways to spend holiday break?
7. Your middle name?

Well, since I have had quite an interesting few weeks, I'm supposing I wont be back for a little bit.

One more thing! December 25th marks the 2nd anniversary of this blog.
Cool, eh? Special shout out to Yerika, who is my longest still active blogger friend.

Share the love? Leave me a couple questions on my Formspring (that was a link).
It amuses me to no end.

Have a wonderful holiday.

2010-12-09T13:22:00.000-08:00

This morning my best friend,
Emma's little four year old sister Naomi was listening to classic Disney music when Emma woke up.
Naomi looked at Emma, and simply asked if she would please change the station to
"Rock and Roll".
Emma changed it to some David Archuleta,
thinking that the music would be more appropriate, and that Naomi wouldn't know the difference.

But she got mad at Emma, and repeated:

"I want to listen to rock and roll!!!"

So after debating the appropriateness, EJ switched to the Queen Pandora radio station.
She skipped the first song, due to content,
but then it started playing "Back in Black" by AC/DC and Naomi was quite happy with that.

After that, she rocked out to Relient K for awhile.

Four year olds that have better taste in music than most fourteen year olds give me hope.

Rock on, Naomi.

I'm my wonderwall

2010-12-02T13:48:00.000-08:00

I think that I have been waiting for my wonderwall

for far too long.

I've been waiting for that one superhero person to swoop into my life,

and make things absolutely perfect.
To come and fix things.

Wonderwall has been my favorite song for the longest time.

But here is a secret it doesn't tell you.

Only you can be your wonderwall.

Ultimately,
it's your responsibility to save yourself.

Only you can make yourself truly change.

It's sad really,
everyone sits around waiting for their wonderwall.

For that one person who makes life worth it.

And that person is inside them the entire time.

2010-11-29T06:57:00.000-08:00

Jillian, Nine months

I watched a video of myself as a baby yesterday.
It made me happy.
Happy because I know that
I wasn't always this messed up.

I want to slide through the screen, and become that baby again. Before I knew.
I feel such love for that baby version of myself.
She was me. I am her.
I miss her.

Thanks, and the giving thereof

2010-11-28T20:33:00.000-08:00

So, one of my favorite weekends of the year has come and gone.

It was pretty awesome.

Not quite as awesome as the year I stayed around in my pajamas, read five books, played Axis and Allies with my Dad and brother, and ate pie the entire weekend.

But, close.

I find myself thankful for the same things, every single year.

For people to love, a family that cares, the clothes on my back,

a God that I trust (most of the time), my best friends, my blog, to ability to be in school right now, peace in our nation, and the freedom that so many overlook.

For these things, I am forever thankful.

Now my entire room is a mess as I ripped through my entire closet looking for outfits for the upcoming Christmas parties I plan on attending.

First one is next weekend!

I'm bad with clothes, but I found something nice, just a gray sweater dress with a white jacket.

Today was my parent's 18th wedding anniversary.

My siblings and I took them out to breakfast, and split the bill.

Then we did a little Christmas shopping.

Here is a weird thing about my family.

When we go out, people know us by our name, and faces.

They'll look up from my receipt, and be like

"Oh, you're a {insert my last name here}"

And I'll just sort of nod my head and smile and hope to

God I don't have anything stuck in my braces.

My family's lived in this town for a long time, and my Grandfather was quite popular.

It's embarrassing.

I have an obsession with tights under shorts.

I'm weird, but it makes me feel like a ballet dancer again.

2010-11-23T11:41:00.000-08:00

If I ever push you away, I don't really mean to.
I'm struggling to be a mix of real and perfect at the same time.
At the moment, I'm working on the ratio.
When I get really quiet sometimes, it is because I have too much to say.
My head is a complicated pile of thoughts, fears, cravings, dreams, and this tangled up nostalgia for the past, and somehow, the future.

2010-11-18T21:08:00.000-08:00

There are very few things more attractive to me than a teenage guy who plays with toddlers.

The only thing that would be more attractive to me is that if said guy also had a guitar.

Tonight was awesome.

And I'd also say it was "AW-full" as in, full of 'awwws'.

It was so adorable.

I hope I end up with a guy like him.

Katie's Clone

2010-11-16T08:08:00.000-08:00

We live across from each other, with parallel lives.

In our glass houses, of the same design.

We've lived here forever, on that same street.

We've never talked, we just wave and smile.

I'd watch you with your friends, and you'd watch me with mine.

We have the same hair color, and the same style.
We have the same height, and the same eyes.

We even own the same clothes.

I was out one night, and she dropped by because she was missing something,

and my Mom wondered what I was doing there.

That scares me.

She is the girl who lives in the mirror.

Long Awaited Quote Post

2010-10-27T14:42:00.000-07:00

Remember when I asked you for your best quotes?
You all out did yourselves. Honestly. I think I have enough for several quote posts.

"Well excuse me for having huge flaws that I don't work on"

_Homer J. Simpson

Via Lauren at Please Note...

"Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward." ~Kurt Vonnegut

"Good instincts usually tell you what to do long before your head has figured it out." ~Michael Burke

Via Yerika at I wish I knew life better.

The road to hell is paved with good intentions"

--Saint Bernard of Clairvau

"There is no passion in nature so demonically impatient, as that of him who, shuddering on the edge of a precipice, thus meditates a plunge" --Edgar Allen Poe

Via Kris at Onwards to graduation.

"A great love is a lot like a good memory.

When it's there, and you know it's there, but it's just outta your reach, it can be all that you think about.

And you can focus on it and try to force it, but the more you do, the more you seem to push it away.

But if you're patient, and you hold still, well maybe, just maybe, it'll come to you."

_Epsilon, red vs blue

"The door opened up and just as quickly it shut and i'm forever screaming in pain for my heart got stuck"

- me

Via Tunafish at The view through these eyes.

2010-10-22T20:29:00.000-07:00

Gorgeous autumn day today.

Woke up at 6:00AM for school. After school, I stopped at home and played some guitar.
Then I went to Dad's office, where I hung out with Dr. Evil and Dr. Chuckles (AKA my Dad).
They always make me laugh.

Got some coffee from the shop in their mall.

On the way home I went to stop at my favorite skatepark, only to find it wasn't opened till later.
What? Bummer. Went to the new one instead. It's in a bad part of the city, but I wasn't really nervous. A few 20-something guys with tats were helping me out with riding the side of the bowl. It's cool when you're riding on the wall like that. My Dad is really an MVP with my learning to skateboard though :)
I did have a wardrobe malfunction :P I was bending over to tie my shoe, and my amazing (but admittedly tight) purple jeans split in the rear. I kind of grabbed my board and covered my bum and waddled over to the outhouse trying to avoid strange looks. (didn't work)
It wasn't that bad, even though the rip was huge.
I wrapped a shirt around my waist and put on my brother's motorcycle jacket that covered my hips.

When I got home, I took a walk with one of my favorite people; my friend Paige, and my dog Harmony. It was really fun.
The best part?
We were walking through the park and some guys were raking leaves.
"Oh, are you guys cleaning the park? That's so nice!" Paige said.
The guys stared blankly. "Um, no, we're not" said one of them.
Guy number two nudged him and said "YEAH! That's it! We're cleaning the park"
We walk a few yards. Then I turned around.
"Wait, if you aren't cleaning the park, what are the leaves for?" I asked.
"We want to ride our bikes through the leaves" said guy number one, nodding his head toward their two BMX bikes.
I glanced at Paige, who smiled. "So, could we jump in them?" I asked.
"Doesn't matter to us" said the guys.
I tied Harmony to a tree, and we took turns jumping in the leaves.
It was awesome.

That's all. You are beautiful. Yes, you, reading this.
And someone, somewhere, loves you.
Hey, I love you.

{Ifallinlovetooeasily}

2010-10-16T19:04:00.000-07:00

Two blocks away

Two hours late

Don't know what I'm about to do

But I know coming through

Running through the door

Crashing into glass

Seems I just can't get past

This feeling that I have

Shirt inside out

Running down the street

Crashed my car

So I'm on my feet

I don't know what to do

Cos my plans are falling through

2010-10-11T11:55:00.000-07:00

These hummingbird hearts

Beating through our skin

Wanting out

To love

To breath

To feel

But they are trapped inside

Choked up

Held down

I think it's time we let them fly.

2010-10-07T10:47:00.000-07:00

Camping pics may be found here:

WONDERLAND

I am obsessed with quotes right now.

I'd love if you'd email me some of your favorites, and I'll post the ones I love the most with a link to your blog. So, you can email me by clicking here.

2010-10-04T07:06:00.000-07:00

Even after all the smoke washes off my skin,

I won't forget the night of memories.

2010-10-02T06:43:00.000-07:00

I've been running into exits all my life,

chasing things things that weren't really mine.

I don't know, I don't know what to do.

Knowing you was death by association.

2010-09-27T20:59:00.000-07:00

2010-09-26T13:58:00.000-07:00

Sean is awesome.

Realizing that there isn't anything I can tell myself that will make what you did any less horrible.

Brillience

2010-09-24T21:15:00.000-07:00

Rather super brilliant day today.

First off,

I was in sign language at 8AM this morning (who knew you could get foreign language credit for ASL?) and we were watching a man give a rendition of The Hungry Caterpillar [Eric Carle] all in sign. Thinking it was pretty neat, I texted my friend who wasn't in that class "The Hungary Caterpillar in sign language is funny" and when I was in my language arts class, she texted back "What is this about a Hungarian caterpillar?" and I burst in desperately controlled fit of laughter.

SECONDLY!
My absolutely amazing über awesome Dad is taking me to my very first Blackhawks game next Friday!!!!!!
I really like hockey, and I've heard say that hockey games are the most fun games to go to.
Now, to choose which of my 100 Blackhawks tee shirts to wear.
It's still preseason, but since they won the Stanley Cup in June, it doesn't matter to me, I'm just excited to see them.

AND!! This is on next Friday night, and the next morning my aforementioned brilliant Dad is taking me, my sibs, my cousins, and friends, including my apparent ex-boyfriend (He insists I dumped him, I insist we were never together in the first place; but we get along okay) CAMPING. SO thrilled.

On the way home today, Dad and I outvoted Sam 2 to 3, so we listened to Green Day :)

Hung out with Emma and Sam a significant portion of the afternoon.
Studied a lot, I really want that A in science.

So, after all that Dad-being-awesomeness when he asked me to wrap a present for his friend's retirement party
(I can't believe my Dad has a friend that's retiring, he's so young) I simply had to agree.
And my Mom added hastily that she wouldn't hesitate to unwrap it if it wasn't done right.
My Mom's family is pretty much the boss on nicely wrapped presents.
So, I struggled through it for half an hour and got the first box into a fairly decent shape when my brother came stalking into the room, shook his head, grabbed the scissors and did some surgery on it, the poor thing.
I must admit that after Sam finished, it looked a lot better.
But I have to say I improved on the second one....
They look fairly decent.
I maintain that the two of us could pass for 15-year-old twins.

She's the best

2010-09-21T13:24:00.000-07:00

My best friend was doing character descriptions for school, and she chose me.
I feel so honored. *sobs* She really did a good job. I love that black leather wristband.
I use way too many facials expressions, and I'm always looking for wifi.

Character: Jillian; meeting me, her best friend

Personality: Spaztastic

Sketch #2:

As I stepped out of the car I saw her standing and waiting for me; her long, dark chestnut hair straightened, and hitting just below her shoulders.

She was talking to her brother using an assortment of faces to convey the meaning of her words while also checking to see if any place near where she was standing had Wi-Fi.

She was wearing a brightly colored t-shirt, a black hoodie, and jeans, with her black and purple messenger bag slung over her shoulder.

The black wrist band and belt that she wore gave her a darker, more mysterious look.

2010-09-17T18:58:00.000-07:00

Lately it seems people have been trying befriend me.

I know that sounds weird. But it's kind of ticking me off, and confusing me.

Like today in the hall a guy I sort of knew (I think we might have talked once at softball game, and we have one period together) stopped me in the hall and said he really liked my presentation and just started talking about things, like we were best friends or something.

I don't know, it was nice, but the fact that it was nice was rather confusing.

He's not what people would consider a freak (I, on the other hand, am a freak) and he's actually rather popular.

And this really nice girl Mary started talking to me about music, and she knew I liked playing guitar, and I was polite, but rather short with her I'm afraid.

And this girl Anna wants to get together sometime.

I am so very suspicious when people are nice to me, it's kind of a flaw.

Pretty sure this anti-social phase will pass quickly though, since I'm normally a people person.

I've just been nurturing this "If you don't care about people, they can't hurt you" mentality for far too long. And it's hurting me so badly.

I'm also afraid of making friends because I don't want to hurt people with the insanity that is me.

I've been behaving oddly lately.

Probably has something to do with being rendered Emma-less. It sucks. I hate myself for it.

I'm heartless.

Sorry for saying sucks, but that's the only word to describe it.

Also,

today begins a two week session of very memorable anniversaries from my bestfriendship with Ash. It always makes me horribly depressed, and I end up crying too much.

She taught me a lot about loving life, and living radically, and when I lost her my life sort of shattered apart. But I've come a long way since then.

September 17th: Ash's birthday
September 23rd: The last, glorious day of our lives being normal. Hung out, listened to music, stayed out late with friends and some guys we'd just met, got chewed out by Dad for staying out late and not telling him, stayed up half the night eating cookies, talking about the universe, and playing Animal Crossing, collapsed in a heap on my bed.
September 24th: The day I lost her forever.
October 2nd: The anniversary of us meeting, and becoming friends. It'd have been 6 years this year.

There is this guy Tyler in one of my classes.

He is tall, has brown eyes, longish hair, wears annoying professionally distressed designer jean, made to look vintage tee shirts, and skate shoes.

I guess most girls might find him attractive, not me personally though.

I'll admit it, I judged him. I labelled him as one of those annoying, apathetic, unenthusiastic, looks-like-a-skater-but-can't-land-an-ollie kind of guys.

Anyways, today, he was sitting directly behind me, and he said something so shockingly profound and deep that I had to do a double take.

And then he proceeded to stand up for the boy everyone had every reason to make fun of.

Thus, I got yet another lesson in judging people.

I figure Tyler is just sort of shy, not apathetic. And he talks really quietly.

So, I stand ashamed.

EMU, after all these years, I thought you'd trust me. I won't mess this up.

My life: In video montage format

2010-09-12T11:34:00.000-07:00

So, it took me about a day to make 3 minute video with little clips of my life.

Enjoy. Comment. Whatever :):

My family. Various cousins. Places I love. My absolutely awesome friend I've known forever. My adopted older sister. An "ex boyfriend". A girl I met at a highschool basketball game when I was 9. Future rockstars. A girl who could be an olympian if she wanted.
It's all these little moments, and all these beautiful people that make my life amazing.

Where were you 9 years ago today?

2010-09-11T08:49:00.001-07:00

I was sitting in my sunlight soaked family room, reading a book.

Seven years old.

It was my first day of some extra curricular class I was taking.

I was excited to meet new kids.

The phone rang in the kitchen, and my Mom answered it.

I could hear the panic in her voice,

so I snapped my book closed to see what she was upset about.

She ran into the room then, still on the phone, and loudly calling my Dad's name.

She flipped on the TV, and what I saw gave me a sick feeling deep down in my stomach.

"What is that?" I remember asking urgently.

"There's been a really bad plane crash"

she told me.

I watched the towers collapse, in real time.

I didn't understand the full meaning of what was going on.

I do remember knowing that we weren't going to forget this anytime soon.

May we never forget.

I pray for all the family's whose lives never completely returned to normal after that day.

We love you.

Field notes on The Emma; a rare species of girl

2010-09-03T19:36:00.000-07:00

The Emma is a very interesting individual, whom we have been very honored to have been able to study for the past couple years. With many peculiar habits, the weirdest being that she puts up with the antics of an even odder being, most commonly know as "The Jillian".

The Emma is a creature with a strong motherly instinct, and an excellent work ethic.

She is an extremely beautiful specimen of humanity, but fortunately for her, she has The Mr. T (I pity the fool who messes with his spawn) to fend off the arms of Mormon boys making their moves in libraries.

The Emma, while being thought by many as "emo" is in fact,
not. We feel greatly that in order to be classified as "emo" you must have a greater emotional range than The Emma possesses.
The Emma has 6 basic emotions which she flips through almost instantaneously.
What are they, you might ask?
Happiness, Sadness, Indignation, Confusion, Remorse, and Apathy.

The Emma's diet consists mainly of Skippy, coffee, tomatoes and whatever she happens to be chewing on whilst trying to communicate to her peers.

The Emma's natural habitat, while sometimes quite nosy, is rather cheerful and relaxed.

The Emma is extremely talented at the art of dancing around in a way that is most lovely.
The Emma has a repulsion to doing jumping jacks to the beat of The Black Eyed Peas, much to her companion, The Jillian's amusement.
We are continuing our research. In fact, we may never know every angle of The Emma.
She is a very complex part of creation.

(Photo credit goes to our friend Kaitlin, who is an AMAZING photographer and an altogether awesome person)